Awakening from Falsehood to Truth

In the early days of my spiritual growth, at AA meetings, I said things like, “My worst thinking got me to AA,” or “I cannot fix my defects with my defects,” and “I cannot solve a problem doing the same things that created the problem.”

Later I realized these statements felt true but were false. But they served a purpose; they distracted me from the deeper changes that were taking place within my soul.

“My worst thinking got me to AA.” I used to say this to show that my thinking was bad. But coming to AA was the best thing that has happened to me. The supposedly bad thinking led me to AA, and the outcome was great: spiritual growth.

“I cannot fix defects with defects.” I was stubborn, and this character defect got me into a lot of trouble. For example, I stubbornly refused to connect problems to booze. However, I stubbornly continued prayer and meditation through spiritual dry periods. My obsessive nature caused problems with drinking, but now, obsessing about my Recovery enhanced my spiritual growth. Stubbornness and obsession are two defects that helped fix defects.

“I cannot solve a problem doing the same things that created the problem.” This was intended as a warning to change my habits. It turns out some old habits were good. Before AA, I was habitually preoccupied with myself. After I came to AA, I continued to focus my attention on myself. I sobered up because of myself, not for anyone else. I spent hours writing personal inventories, reviewing my behaviours, and talking with my sponsor about me. It turns out that doing the same thing, focusing on myself, paid dividends in Recovery.

I parroted sayings like, “My worst thinking got me here,” “Defects cannot fix defects,” and “I cannot solve a problem doing the same things that created the problem.” Everyone nodded in agreement.

These small falsehoods distracted me while earth-shaking changes, spiritual awakenings, and growth were occurring under my feet. Seismic changes that I would have been frightened to contemplate if I’d had to face them directly.