Forgiving and Forgetting

Forgive and forget. Grandmother gave me this advice. She was sometimes wrong.

A scoundrel refused to repay a loan to my client. I was angry; I felt a resentment, a feeling of bitter indignation arising from a perceived wrong. It was not my harm, but it was my resentment.

“Should we sue?” I asked.

“No, it is not worth the bother. It is behind me,” replied my client.

Almost a year later, we attended a reception. The miscreant who had stolen was also there. I angrily whispered to my client, “There’s that son of a bitch who stole from you; I have not thought of him for a long time; it will be hard to be civil.”

My client smiled, “I will never do business with him again, but that is no excuse to be impolite. His presence should not disturb us.”

Because he had utterly forgiven the offence, his mind and heart were clear. He could see the scoundrel, remember the breach of trust, and have no emotions. He was not ruffled in the least. With poise and calm, he lived efficiently. And he had remembered; he remembered and would not do business with the fellow again.

Reflecting on my emotional reaction to the scoundrel, I realized my forgiveness was incomplete. I had forgotten but not forgiven.

Forgive and forget are connected and independent: There are three permutations, we can (1) forget and not forgive, (2) forgive and forget, or (3) forgive and not forget.

To forget and not forgive is the worst. The memory of the harm is gone, and it appears I have overcome the resentment. But it is a false appearance. Without complete forgiveness, feelings of bitter indignation arise if the harm comes to mind, and the recalled resentment is often more potent than the original.

To forgive and forget is better. The harm is not on my mind, and if something brings the harm to my mind, there is no emotional reaction. But forgetting is risky. Without the memory and the lessons learned, the harm may reoccur. Hit me once, shame on you; hit me twice, shame on me.

To forgive and not forget is the best. I can recall the incident or harm without the feelings. I can play the movie without the emotions. The resentment is gone, but I remember the offence. And with some memory of the harm, I can avoid a second harm or be aware of my role in facilitating the first harm and not do that again.

Additionally, to forgive and not forget is a stress test of the completeness of my forgiveness. Forgiveness is complete if I remember or am reminded of the harm and remain serene. But I have some work to do if there is an emotional snag, if the recollection brings me up short with resentment, even a mild resentment.

Grandma was sometimes wrong. Forgiving is good, and remembering is good. Sorry Nana.