Intentions Matter: Making Sincere Amends That Heal
“The best amends are made when I don’t want to be the person who caused the harm.”
Amends can be ranked on a scale of bad to excellent.
The worst amends are those that require another amend. Amends done without thought, prayer, or sponsorship which usually end in arguments and accusations.
Then, there are middling amends. These are often done under protest. Usually demanded by your sponsor or your Home Group because everyone is tired of listening to you whine about it.
I can take steps to improve my amends. They improve with a conscious forgiveness process before making the amends. When I have forgiven and then strive to make the relationship right, I can replay the movie of the incident or transaction without feeling the emotional soundtrack.
But the best amends, by far, are the amends our speaker described; amends rooted in a desire to change, to be a different person.
When I have reached the point where I don’t want to be the person who caused the harm, I am ready for change. I can’t do this until I completely forgive the other person. But by forgiving completely and desiring change, the conditions for an excellent amend are in place. The execution of the amend takes place in the context of this perfect state of mind and soul.
These excellent amends usually follow earlier amends. I recall a temper tantrum with an employee. My first amend included gratuitous comments on his performance. It was not a good amend, and I had to go back to have another conversation to make up for the first. After whining about this fellow for weeks, my sponsor demanded that I start a performance review process to determine if my performance assessment was correct. It was, and I was calm and able to help him find a better position. Later, after helping him, I could play the movie of his work at the firm and feel neutral. The last amend was the best, not made directly to my former employee; it was the habituation of quarterly reviews and honest assessments. I wanted to become a different manager.
Yup, the best amends are made when I don’t want to be the person who caused the harm.
