Sanity is not binary

To be sure, to be sane, or not to be sane is a question. Sanity comes and goes. Last week I was sane, and this week I am not.

But there is more than sanity or not sanity; sanity is complicated and nuanced: it increases and decreases in quantity, and it also changes in quality.

Changes in quantity. I can experience smaller and larger amounts of sanity and insanity. This morning I felt a little crazy; yesterday, I was very crazy; right now, I feel moderately sane.

Differences in quality. I have known different qualities of sanity. Driving shows a spectrum of sanity qualities ranging from mild horn honking with digital salutes to fist-waving road rage. And marriage can trigger varying qualities of sanity; sanity characterized by acceptance, serenity, and peace, and sanity which is a grudging sanity with a background of irritated tolerance.

I feel these changes in the quantity and quality of sanity during the day. I might start largely sane, with a sense of peace and calm, but the amount of my sanity reduces dramatically when the coffee pot overflows and creates a mess. I am no longer peaceful. And the quality of my sanity changes when I step on a Lego block left on the hardwood floor by my child. I am no longer calm.

And so goes the rest of the day; there are quantitative and qualitative changes in my sanity throughout the day.

Sanity is more complicated than an off-and-on switch. And this complexity is part of why I need a Higher Power to restore my sanity. It is way too complex for me to manage on my own.

And the restoration is continuous throughout the day. My Higher Power uses the off and on switch, the quantity dial and the quality controls. I need Him in all three dimensions of sanity.