Thoughtless to Thoughtful

It was a great meeting. Someone raised the slogan “Think, Think, Think,” as a topic for the discussion. Several AAs talked about the importance of thinking before drinking and calling your sponsor. Those were good shares. Then one fellow changed the trajectory of the meeting.

He started by agreeing with everyone who had shared so far, then tacked to another direction. He talked about his sober life and how it was a thoughtful life.

He said, “when I was drinking, I never stopped to think about life and its meaning. Sobering up and coming to meetings, working the Steps and helping newcomers, I have begun to think about life and what it all means. These activities are affecting my mind and my understanding of life. I now understand expressions like “to thine own self be true” and “an unexamined life is not worth living,” these expressions now mean something to me.”

His conversation caused me to think back to my thoughtless drinking days.

First, my drinking. My drinking was a habit. It was something that seemed to happen, without any thought; in fact, it was important that there be no thought; if I thought about what I was about to start, even for an instant, I would remember what happened last time and stop. My drinking habits were thoughtless; I was on autopilot.

Second, my life. My life was similarly thoughtless. I would do things with no regard to anyone else. I was utterly self-possessed. Harsh judgments, anger and rage, were my ‘go-to’ habits of life. Without any thought, I would explode if I thought that I did not look good, or the world was not behaving as I thought it should. Looking back, I never took the time and energy to think about life. Even my so-called planning was little more than day-dreaming.

Now, like my AA friend who shared, with the patterns of behaviour mandated by the Steps, I find that I live an increasingly thoughtful life, in contrast to my thoughtless life ante sobriety.