Why Are You Staying?
“I came for this and stayed for that.”
The City of New York was the first to use this tagline in a 1985 advertising campaign for the City of New York.
It is a rhetorical flourish: start with one thing, then contrast with another.
It sets up a teaser as a reason for coming and a contrasting benefit for staying. The New York pitch was, “Come for the theatre and stay for the excitement.” The contrast stops the mind causing it to dwell on the proposition and provides two different reasons to be attracted to the subject, in this case, New York.
And what works for New York and other advertising campaigns also works for 12-Step Programs. At a recent meeting, an AA brother shared, “I came for relief and stayed for serenity.”
That share set the tone for the next shares, “I came because of desperation and stayed because I felt so good.” Then, “I came because of booze and stayed for the spirit,” and, “I came to escape my enemies and stayed because I found my friends.”
There was much nodding of heads as these shares unfolded. Each was a rhetorical flourish containing two contrasting benefits.
Every AA knows the truth of this advertising meme; we came with our pants on fire, looking for an extinguisher, and stayed when we discovered spiritual growth, sobriety, and fellowship.
All of this is true. But there is another side to this message. It is an excellent self-diagnostic tool.
Every once in a while, we should acknowledge why we came and ask ourselves why we are staying in AA, our marriage or our jobs.
For example marriage, I married for sex but stayed for love. And work, I needed the money, but I stayed because I enjoyed serving people. Or AA, I came to get sober but stayed for the serenity.
Asking yourself or your sponsees this question forces a framing of the underlying motives and purposes. And the answer can show problems. For example marriage, I came for sex and stayed for … sex. Work, I came for the money and stayed for more money. AA, I came to get sober and am staying to … stay sober.
Working because I want more money is not a good motivation. Older and wiser people know working for money beats a hollow drum; it sounds good but will not provide all the personal enrichment possible from work. And sex in marriage is good, but if that is all there is, it will not survive a crisis or a child.
Staying in AA … to stay sober is a case of the good being the enemy of the best. It may work and work for a long time. But if this is the only reason for AA, much is missing: A whole world of spiritual change and character development.
And it is risky; our sobriety depends on spiritual maintenance. If you go to AA meetings to stay sober and are not growing spiritually, heads-up, there may be troubles ahead.
This advertising meme is an excellent diagnostic tool. You came for one reason, but why are you staying?
